🎙️ EP 004 | Bonus | The Mothers Who Keep Showing Up While They’re Drowning The mothers who look the most “fine” are often carrying the heaviest load. This episode is a blunt, deeply human call to stop mistaking functioning for being okay - especially for special needs parents, medically complex families, and the people everyone assumes have it handled. Kate Panfile names the hidden reality behind “we’re hanging in there,” showing how survival mode can look like competence, humor, and getting everything done while quietly drowning. She pushes past the surface language we use around overwhelmed parents and gets specific about what chronic caregiving, hypervigilance, grief, and system-fighting actually cost. You’ll hear Kate break down: -Why “strong” is sometimes just a socially acceptable way of saying “I can’t imagine your life” -How special needs parenting, medical complexity, disability, and loss create relentless mental load -Why “let me know if you need anything” often fails the people who need support most -What to say instead when someone gives you the automatic “I’m fine” answer -How to offer real help without forcing another overwhelmed parent to do the emotional labor Kate also makes the case that the biggest warning signs are often invisible - not because parents are thriving, but because they’ve become experts at functioning under impossible pressure. If you care about a parent, are one yourself, or have ever missed the signs because someone seemed so capable, this one will change how you show up. Essential listening if you want to understand what supportive care actually looks like in real life - and how to stay long enough to hear what “hanging in there” really means. Find the link for the free companion resource for this episode in the Show Notes. Content Warning: This episode contains discussion that may be difficult for some listeners. This episode briefly references the current Lindsay Clancy case, including the alleged harm to her children. It also includes conversations about child loss, terminal illness, medical complexity, maternal mental health, caregiver overwhelm, grief, and what it can look and feel like when someone is approaching a breaking point. There are no graphic details, but this is a heavy and deeply emotional conversation. Please take care of yourself while listening. You are welcome to pause, step away, skip this episode completely, or return when and if it ever feels right for you. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you can call or text 988 in the United States to connect with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If someone is in immediate danger or experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
What it really costs when the “capable” parent is drowning
This episode focuses on the hidden weight some mothers carry, especially special needs parents, and why visible competence can mask serious distress. Kate Panfile uses the Lindsay Clancy case as a starting point to examine survival mode, cumulative trauma, and the way society often misses when mothers are not okay.
The core takeaway is simple but urgent: if a parent seems like they are “hanging in there,” that may be a script, not the truth. Kate explains how to check in more carefully, avoid empty offers like “let me know if you need anything,” and show up with concrete support instead.
Content Warning:
This episode contains discussion that may be difficult for some listeners. This episode briefly references the current Lindsay Clancy case, including the alleged harm to her children. It also includes conversations about child loss, terminal illness, medical complexity, maternal mental health, caregiver overwhelm, grief, and what it can look and feel like when someone is approaching a breaking point. There are no graphic details, but this is a heavy and deeply emotional conversation. Please take care of yourself while listening. You are welcome to pause, step away, skip this episode completely, or return when and if it ever feels right for you. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you can call or text 988 in the United States to connect with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If someone is in immediate danger or experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Key topics
Free Resource
Download the free companion resource for this episode here: [45 Concrete Ways to Show Up for a Parent Who's "Hanging In There"]
Timestamps
00:00 - Content warning
01:47 - Welcome to Redefining Autism
03:22 - The mothers who look like they’re handling it
06:10 - When parenting requires more
09:37 - The invisible math of caregiving
11:29 - Functioning in survival mode
13:50 - Check on the person who always seems okay
15:34 - How to ask, “How are you really?”
17:15 - What support should—and shouldn’t—sound like
18:50 - Offer concrete help
20:45 - Make one piece of the load lighter
21:31 - Who we need to check on
23:13 - Closing reflections
23:46 - Educational and support disclaimer
Notable quotes
“Functioning and being okay are not the same thing.”
“Sometimes the mothers who look like they're handling it are the ones we need to check on the most.”
“Let me know if you need anything” is not enough for someone who is drowning.
Action items
Kate Panfile (00:00)
Before we begin, I want to offer a content warning.
Kate Panfile (00:03)
This episode briefly references the current Lindsay Clancy case, including the harm to her children. It also includes conversations about child loss, terminal illness, medical complexity, maternal mental health, caregiver overwhelm, grief, and what it can look and feel like when someone is approaching a breaking point.
Kate Panfile (00:23)
There are no graphic details, but this is a heavy and deeply emotional conversation. Please take care of yourself while listening. You are welcome to pause, step away, skip this episode completely, or return when and if it ever feels right for you. If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, you can call or text 988 in the United States to connect
Kate Panfile (00:44)
With the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. If someone is in immediate danger or experiencing a medical emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
Kate Panfile (00:58)
What we don't talk about nearly enough is that the age of the child does not determine the weight a parent is carrying. Your kid can be four months old, four years old, or 14, or 34.
Kate Panfile (01:11)
The person who lies awake doing the math, special needs parenting math.
Kate Panfile (01:16)
Not girl math, but
Kate Panfile (01:17)
The parenting journey that no one wrote about in what to expect when you're expecting math.
Kate Panfile (01:22)
How long can we afford this? How long can I keep doing this? What happens to them if something happens to me?
Kate Panfile (01:30)
The person who has already wondered who will love them like you do.
Kate Panfile (01:35)
Who will fight this hard when you are not here to do it anymore?
Kate Panfile (01:47)
Welcome to the Redefining Autism Podcast, where we explore autism, neurodivergence, and the unique brain language that shapes how each of us thinks, learns, communicates, connects, and experiences the world around us. I'm Kate Panfile, a brain language and neuroinclusion consultant, LDTC educator, professor, parent, and neurodivergent adult. For nearly two decades, my work has given me a seat on many sides of the table, and this podcast is where we bring those perspectives together.
Kate Panfile (02:12)
We move beyond looking at a diagnosis, behavior, test score, or challenge in isolation, regardless of the setting. Instead, we get curious about the whole person, strengthen the understanding between individuals and the people who support them, challenge the conditions creating barriers,
Kate Panfile (02:26)
And translate what we learn into practical support across home, school, healthcare, work, and everyday life. Because no one should have to fight to be understood, supported, or included. In this episode, we're going to talk about the weight of motherhood, what gets added when you are parenting in circumstances that require more,
Kate Panfile (02:43)
And the mothers who have become so good at carrying an impossible amount that the people around them have mistaken their ability to function for evidence that they are okay. We're also going to talk about how we can check in on the person who always seems to handle it, what we can say when we're hanging in there is not the whole answer,
Kate Panfile (02:59)
And how we can offer support that makes it just 1% better. so whether you're listening in the car, walking the dog, folding the same load of laundry for the third time, or enjoying a suspiciously quiet moment no one else has discovered yet, grab whatever you're sipping and a snack you have absolutely no intention of sharing and settle in with me. let's connect the pieces and make it make sense.
Kate Panfile (03:22)
What if the mother you're worried about isn't the one who looks like she's falling apart? What if it's the one who looks like she's handling it? Because I can't stop thinking about that as I keep current with the Lindsay Clancy case and watch it unfold. And before anyone comes for me in the comments, this is not a video about whether Lindsay Clancy is guilty or innocent.
Kate Panfile (03:52)
It's not about excusing what happened. There are three children who are no longer on this earth. And there is nothing about that that isn't horrific. But this case has forced a conversation into the open that we desperately need to be having as a society and as a people. And that is that we are really, really bad.
Kate Panfile (04:20)
At seeing when mothers are not okay. And
Kate Panfile (04:28)
Because of my life experiences and my lens on things, the part that I can't stop thinking about is that motherhood is already fucking hard. No one, no one tells you how hard it's going to be.
Kate Panfile (04:56)
In fact, everyone lies to you, like straight to your face, especially in those first couple months, telling you that it gets easier. I don't think there's one mom out there who hasn't heard that. But that's a lie too.
Kate Panfile (05:18)
Motherhood is hard. It's the hardest thing you can probably ever do. Even when your children are healthy, even when they're developing as expected typically, even when school is going okay, even when you have enough money, even when you sleep sometimes.
Kate Panfile (05:47)
Even when your marriage is okay, even when your life from the outside looks like the life you were supposed to have, or that you asked to have, or that you wanted to have, parenting can still and will still bring a human being to their knees. So can we please talk about what happens when you start adding.
Kate Panfile (06:17)
Layers to that experience. When you're parenting a child with significant support needs, a medically complex child, a child who can't access school, a child in crisis, a child with a terminal diagnosis, when you're parenting your other children while grieving one that should still be here.
Kate Panfile (06:46)
When you're carrying a kind of grief or anticipatory grief that most people around you cannot even begin to comprehend. When your child needs you to fight systems just to get what they need. When you're sleeping with your phone on full volume because you never know when that phone call will come in. When you've missed so much work for appointments, meetings, therapies, crises, and pickups.
Kate Panfile (07:14)
That you are scared to ask for one more day. When you're fighting an insurance company on the phone while sitting in the specialist's parking lot, already wondering how you are going to pay the bill. when you know your child's medical history better than your own because you've repeated it so many times to so many people.
Kate Panfile (07:42)
When your other kids have learned that plans might change because their sibling is having a hard day and it's not negotiable. Life inside your family simply doesn't operate according to everyone else's schedule. When you haven't slept through the night in years, when you sit in meetings with 10 professionals around a table, and somehow you're still the one who has to convince everyone.
Kate Panfile (08:11)
That what you're seeing is real. When you've stopped telling people how bad things actually are.
Kate Panfile (08:23)
Because explaining it takes more energy than saying we're okay.
Kate Panfile (08:30)
When your marriage becomes logistics, when your career becomes whatever can survive this, when your bank account becomes another thing that you cannot bear to look at. When you can't remember the last time you made a decision based on what you needed, when you're simultaneously terrified about your child's future and too exhausted to think past Thursday. And yet somehow.
Kate Panfile (09:01)
You're supposed to keep paying your mortgage, keep your marriage alive, keep your other kids okay, keep working, keep advocating, keep researching, keep making impossible decisions, and of course keep yourself okay. Sometimes for months, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades.
Kate Panfile (09:28)
What we don't talk about nearly enough is that the age of the child does not determine the weight a parent is carrying. Your kid can be four months old, four years old, or 14, or 34. And you can still be the person whose phone has every specialist, therapist, school, pharmacy, and insurance company on speed dial. The person who knows which crisis is an ER crisis.
Kate Panfile (09:56)
And which one you're supposed to somehow figure out at home. The person who has spent hours, days, months, and years fighting for something your child needs, only to be told no, put on another wait list, handed another form, or sent to someone else.
Kate Panfile (10:18)
The person who lies awake doing the math, special needs parenting math.
Kate Panfile (10:36)
Not girl math, but
Kate Panfile (10:37)
The parenting journey that no one wrote about in what to expect when you're expecting math.
Kate Panfile (10:45)
How long can we afford this? How long can I keep doing this? What happens to them if something happens to me?
Kate Panfile (10:59)
The person who has already wondered who will love them like you do.
Kate Panfile (11:07)
Who will know that that look means something's wrong? Who will remember the thing that calms them down?
Kate Panfile (11:17)
Who will fight this hard when you are not here to do it anymore?
Kate Panfile (11:29)
And for some mothers, the questions are different. How do I prepare for a future I can't imagine? How do I keep showing up for my other children when part of me is drowning in grief? How do I live in a world that just keeps going when your life feels like groundhog day?
Kate Panfile (11:54)
And then the morning comes and you have to fucking get up and get out of bed. You make breakfast, you answer the emails, you make the phone calls, you fight the next fight, you take care of everybody.
Kate Panfile (12:11)
And when somebody asks you how you're doing, you say you're fine. Because what else are you supposed to say?
Kate Panfile (12:24)
That's what I want you to understand. Some of the parents who look the most capable aren't okay. They're just so accustomed to functioning in survival mode that no one recognizes it as survival mode or survival anymore. They show up, they answer the email, they make the appointment, they pack the bag, they sit through the meeting, they advocate.
Kate Panfile (12:55)
They laugh, they post the birthday picture, and they say, We're hanging in there. And everyone believes them because functioning
Kate Panfile (13:12)
Functioning and being okay are not the same thing. And then and then somebody tells you, make sure you're taking care of yourself too. Put that oxygen mask on before you know before you put somebody else's on. And I want to know with what time, with what money, with what child care, and with what village.
Kate Panfile (13:42)
Because sometimes the person everyone keeps telling to ask for help.
Kate Panfile (13:50)
Is the person that the entire system has decided is the help?
Kate Panfile (14:00)
So if nothing else, here's what I want you to do after this video. If you've made it this far. I want you to think of someone in your life who is parenting in circumstances that require more.
Kate Panfile (14:18)
And if that's you.
Kate Panfile (14:21)
If that's you
Kate Panfile (14:24)
I want you to repost this or share this. But if that's not you,
Kate Panfile (14:33)
I want you to think of a parent who is parenting in circumstances that require more. Special needs, disability, chronic illness, medical complexity, mental health needs, school refusal, behavior crises, financial strain, a terminal diagnosis, the loss of a child while continuing to parent the children who are still here, the loss of a child, period, caregiving that doesn't end when childhood does.
Kate Panfile (15:03)
Whatever that version of more looks like. And I want you to check on them. But I do not want you to send, let me know if you need anything. Because someone who is drowning probably doesn't have the bandwidth to figure out what they need, decide what you could actually help with, and then work up the courage to ask for it.
Kate Panfile (15:34)
Instead, I want you to ask, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing? And when they immediately hit you with, we're hanging in there. I can't complain. It is what it is. We're getting through it. Other people have it worse, or simply, I'm fine. Do not let that be the end of the conversation.
Kate Panfile (16:01)
That is a script. That isn't the answer. That is what they have learned to say that literally comes out so quick, automatically almost, when the real answer is too complicated or too messy to give to someone in the grocery store.
Kate Panfile (16:25)
That's what you say when you've told the truth before and you've watched someone's face change. Because suddenly your life is just a little too uncomfortable for them to hear about.
Kate Panfile (16:44)
It's what you say when you don't want to be the person who's always struggling.
Kate Panfile (16:52)
or always complaining or always needing something.
Kate Panfile (16:57)
That's what you say when you don't even know how to answer how are you anymore because you haven't had enough space to actually think about how you are in a very, very long time.
Kate Panfile (17:15)
So I want you to push a little bit. No, I know the kids are hanging in there. I'm asking about you. Or you don't have to give me the okay answer. How are you really? Or I know you can handle it. I'm asking how much it's costing you to keep handling it. And then just shut up.
Kate Panfile (17:44)
Don't fix it. Don't compare it. Definitely don't tell them everything happens for a reason. Don't remind them how strong they are.
Kate Panfile (17:58)
Don't immediately start looking for the silver lining because their reality makes you uncomfortable.
Kate Panfile (18:08)
Just sit in it. Let there be an awkward silence. Let them cry and
Kate Panfile (18:18)
Let them swear, let them say something ugly.
Kate Panfile (18:24)
Let them say, I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.
Kate Panfile (18:35)
Because that is something that they only whisper in the dark.
Kate Panfile (18:41)
When they know that nobody else can hear them.
Kate Panfile (18:50)
And and don't make them regret telling you the truth.
Kate Panfile (18:58)
And then if you want to or are in a position to help, please don't put the responsibility back on them by saying, Let me know if you need anything or any variation of that sentence. Because someone who's barely hanging on may not even know what they need.
Kate Panfile (19:25)
And figuring it out, deciding what they can ask you for and actually asking.
Kate Panfile (19:33)
That's adding to their mental load. Offer something concrete.
Kate Panfile (19:41)
And if you're sitting there thinking, okay, but what the heck do I actually offer? I made you a list. concrete ways to show up for a parent who's hanging in there, which includes things that cost money and things that don't cost a dime.
Kate Panfile (20:06)
I'll put it in the comments. And not because any one of those things is going to fix what they're carrying. It won't. I'm not gonna lie to you. But maybe you can make one tiny piece of it lighter.
Kate Panfile (20:26)
And honestly.
Kate Panfile (20:30)
That's what showing up looks like. Not fixing it, not making it go away, just making sure somebody doesn't have to carry every piece of it alone.
Kate Panfile (20:45)
Because maybe one of the conversations we take from this horrific case shouldn't only be about what happens when somebody reaches a breaking point.
Kate Panfile (20:57)
Maybe we should be talking a heck of a lot more about what happens in the months and the years before it about the mothers who keep showing up while they are drowning.
Kate Panfile (21:13)
The mothers who have become so fucking good at carrying an impossible amount that we've mistaken their ability to carry it for evidence that it isn't heavy,
Kate Panfile (21:27)
That it isn't crushing them.
Kate Panfile (21:31)
So go check on someone. And not just the mother with the baby. Check on the mother with the baby, of course. But also check on the mother of the eight-year-old, the 17-year-old, the 32-year-old. Check on the mother whose child's needs didn't disappear because they got older. Check on the mother sitting beside her child's hospital bed while still trying to figure out who was picking her other kid up from soccer.
Kate Panfile (22:00)
Check on the mother grieving a child while still getting up every morning to parent the children who need her here. Check on the mother living with the unbearable knowledge that she may someday have to say goodbye to her child. Check on the mother who seems incredibly capable, the one who always figures it out. The one everyone else calls when something goes wrong. The one who says,
Kate Panfile (22:30)
We're hanging in there. And this time, don't just believe her.
Kate Panfile (22:38)
Stay long enough to find out what hanging in there actually means.
Kate Panfile (22:43)
Because sometimes the mothers who look like they're handling it are the ones we need to check on the most. Especially them.
Kate Panfile (23:01)
Thanks for spending this time with me on the redefining autism podcast. Remember support shouldn't be a luxury that feels out of reach. You deserve spaces that see you understand you and remind you that you are not alone. If this episode spoke to your heart, would you take a moment to follow, leave a review or share it with another parent who needs to hear that they too are not alone? That allows the growing community of supporters rewriting what support really looks like to connect.
Kate Panfile (23:26)
and continue to build the very community that we are desperate for. Until next time, take a deep breath, give yourself grace, and remember, understanding your child's brain style changes everything, except for your child, which is exactly how it should be. I'm Kate Panfile, and this is the Redefining Autism Podcast.
Kate Panfile (23:46)
This podcast is shared in the spirit of education and community. My work is about supporting the supporters. It does not provide medical, diagnostic, or therapeutic recommendations, nor care. If you or your child are in crisis or need immediate support, please contact your local emergency services or a qualified healthcare provider. And please know you are not alone in this. Support is available, including trusted crisis lines and local community resources. Help exists and there are people and resources ready to support you.